Homosexuality and the Old Testament

Got into a discussion today with yet another Christian who believes that the Bible clearly and unabashedly condemns homosexuality above any other sin. So I decided to make myself go cross-eyed and take a look at what the Bible ACTUALLY says about homosexuality. Remember – I think so that you don’t have to. (Not really. I’d love it if ALL Americans thought before speaking or acting, but what are you gonna do?)

One problem with the way that many modern Christians are using the Bible in their war on homosexuals is that they feel that they can pick a verse from Leviticus, pick a verse from Romans and their case is made. After all, the Bible is nothing but a series of quotes to be used for your own benefit with no historical basis or continuity, right? Absolutely right, except for the fact that it’s completely wrong. When you look at the quote from Leviticus below, you really have to understand the BOOK of Leviticus (which means “of the Levites – the priest order of the Jewish faith), what the historical surroundings are, and what the laws were at the time. For instance, you have to remember that there WAS no separation of church and state in Old Testament times – the Jewish church WAS the state.

With that in mind…

Let’s start with the quote that every good little Christian learns on their road to hate and intolerance, Leviticus 18:22 (I am using the KJV by the way) “Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.” Wow. Very clear. Case closed, right?

Except…

Why do you suppose that it’s an abomination for man to lie with man, but not for woman to lie with woman? I mean, aside from the fact that two women together is hot and the Old Testament dudes liked to throw a couple sheckles at the temple whores to watch them go at it with each other?

I think that the answer lies in reproduction. We all know how babies are made, right? Sperm meets egg and WHAM you got yourself a baby. But how were babies made in Old Testament time?

Well, let’s start by thinking of the time. No microscopes. No medicine. No idea that sperm or egg existed. So what DID they know? Well, they knew that, at a certain point in human sexual intercourse, some stuff came out of the man’s penis. That was about it. And that it felt good for the guy – the pleasure of women didn’t really matter and wasn’t acknowledged until the early part of the twentieth century. So the man MUST be responsible for pregnancy, right? This idea… that men carry a little person inside their ejaculate that the woman nurtures and grows into a baby is called homunculus (pronounced ho-mon-cue-luss) theory. So this isn’t about sex or pleasure or love or anything else – it’s about reproduction. The same reason that Onan in Genesis 38:8 to 38:10 is struck down for every sperm that he ejaculated upon the ground instead of inside his brother’s widow. Because, according to homunculus theory, every one of those little sperms contained a little person. Dreadful. Awful. Terrible. Not true in any way shape or form, but still…

The egg, or ovum was not discovered until 1850! Human beings had no idea that women had ANYTHING to do with reproduction until 1850 years after the birth of Christ, or just over 150 years ago!

So, I think that, based on this evidence, we can safely say that the Levitical statement of homosexuality being an abomination had nothing to do with homosexuality and everything to do with reproduction. After all, one of the 630 commandments (not ten as Hollywood would have you believe) is to increase your tribe.

So… just for fun… shall we see what ELSE the Bible calls “abominations”? Lets.

Leviticus 11:20 says that eating anything without a fin in the ocean is an abomination. Shellfish, in other words. So no shrimp, no crab, no clams no fresh Maine Lob-stah. I wonder… is my beloved Costco responsible for making the people who buy shellfish at our seafood road show commit abominations? I mean, they buy it, but if we didn’t sell it they might not buy it.

According to Leviticus 11:13 to 11:21, eating eagles, ossifrages, osprays, vultures, kites, ravens, owls, night hawks, cuckoos, hawks, little owls, cormorants, great owls, swans, pelicans, gier eagles, storks, herons, lapwings, bats, or any “flying creeping thing that goeth upon all fours” is an abomination. You know, I’m not sure what a flying creeping thing that goeth upon all fours is, but I think that I’m going to have nightmares about one tonight. And if I ever come across one, I sure HELL ain’t eating it. According to Leviticus 11:22, though, it’s okay to eat locusts, beetles and grasshoppers. Sorry, God, but if I’m starving and I have a choice between eating a bat or eating a locust, the bat’s going DOWN!

Leviticus 11:41 says that it’s an abomination to eat every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth. No sweat. Doesn’t even sound appetizing. Interesting side note, though – many cultures consider it okay to eat eels, but not land snakes because eels don’t creepeth upon the Earth, they swim AND have fins. So they’re okay.

Deuteronomy 17:1 says that sacrificing a bullock, or a sheep with a blemish or an “evilfavouredness” to God is an abomination. I’ll remember that next time I sacrifice. Oh, wait, that’s right – despite God’s commandment to do so, Christians don’t sacrifice. Forgot. Thought that we were following the laws of God for a minute there, not picking and choosing.

Deuteronomy 22:5 says that it’s an abomination for a woman to wear men’s clothes or a man to wear woman’s clothes. You know, I always thought that it was unfair for women to be able to wear our clothes, when we can’t wear theirs. I’d be interested in looking into this further, because in Old Testament days men and women wore pretty much the same things.

Now, this one is VERY important… if you are a whore or a pimp, or have sold a dog, you CANNOT donate the proceeds from this transaction to the church. Deuteronomy 23:18 says that this is an abomination. Every Christian professional dog breeder is, by this logic, guilty of committing abominations.

Oh, get this. I think that this one is simple common sense. According to Deuteronomy 24:4, it’s an abomination to remarry a woman that you’ve divorced. Seems like every time that I hear a person who has remarried someone that they divorced talk about it, they say something like “Oh yeah… THAT’S why I divorced them.”

Another interesting side note… the Bible gives a stipulation for a man to divorce a woman in cases of adultery or fornication (New Testament – in the Old Testament he could put her to death), but there is no stipulation for a woman to divorce her husband. Ever. For any reason. You married to a guy who beats you or molests your son or daughter? Too bad, Christian woman. If you follow the words of the Bible assiduously, you’re STUCK with them. I think that we’re back to the reproduction thing. If I am responsible for reproduction and I want to divorce you, I keep MY kids. If you leave me, you may try to take MY kids away.

I’m not entirely sure that I understand this one, but, according to Deuteronomy 27:15, it’s an abomination to make any graven or molten image and put it in a secret place. Okay. Don’t understand it, but will do. If I make any graven image (photograph, sculpture in stone, printing from a linotype) or molten image (face on a coin, cast statue) I won’t put them in secret places. Unless my hard drive counts as a secret place. All of my photos are there. Shit. Or my apartment… my apartment’s kind of a secret place. Double shit. Does that mean that I have to take all of my photographs and display them up and down the side of the street? Well, okay… some of the women that I’ve dated are going to be AWFULLY unhappy, though…

Back to homosexuality, though, Leviticus 20:13 actually calls for homosexuals to be put to death. Wow. A little harsh for fabulousness, huh? I notice that, despite trying to convince us that they adhere literally to the Bible, I notice that no fundamentalists or right-wingers are calling for the death penalty for homosexuality. That’s what the Nazis did, after all, and they probably don’t want to acknowledge how much their beliefs mirror the beliefs of the Nazis.

But, Jeez… if God called for death for this, he must disapprove of it very stringently, right?

Except…

Exodus 19:12 calls for death for anyone who climbs Mt. Sinai, or touches it’s borders.

It’s death if you smite a man until he dies (Exodus 21:12) or smite your mother or father (21:15).

Now this is interesting… if you steal a slave or sell a stolen slave you’re to be put to death, according to Exodus 21:16. Not for OWNING a slave, mind you… that’s apparently okay. Cool. I am SO getting me a slave. And since Exodus 21:7 makes it okay to sell your daughters, let me just make this clear… I’m in the market for a young woman, of… say… 20 to 25 years of age… not “evilfavoured”… good figure… open mind… VERY open…. Hair and skin color not important. So if you have a daughter that matches this description and want an offer on her, get in contact with me, wouldja? Thanks.

And then, just when you thought it was safe to be a normal human being, Exodus 21:17 and Lev 20:9 UP the ante and say that it’s death for CURSING your mother and father. Ah, crap. When I was a teenager, I cursed my parents ALL THE TIME! Oh, man. Okay… since we’re doing this whole “literal” thing, I guess that means that everyone who has ever cursed their mother or father needs to line up. The chair or lethal injections, your choice. Of course, if we did that, I rather think that there would be no one left to take the Bible literally, so…

If your ox gores someone, you are to be put to death according to Exodus 21:29, so keep that ox penned up, okay?

And speaking of animals, if a man has sexual congress with an animal, he’s to be put to death according to Exodus 22:19. And Leviticus 20:15 says that both the man AND the animal are to be put to death. Harsh. Oh, an no one is to eat the animal, because that’s an… you guessed it… abomination. Ick. Who’d WANT to?

Oh, and ladies? You’re not safe here, either. Leviticus 20:16 says that YOU die for bestiality, too.

And don’t “defile” the Sabbath – if you do you die according to Exodus 31:14. So what is defiling the Sabbath? Well, according to Exodus 31:15, you get put to death for WORKING on the Sabbath. I guess that I’m safe. I work every Sunday (time and a half, you know) but have every Saturday off except for inventory. And Saturday, we must remember, is the Jewish Sabbath.

Oh, just thought of something that I need to add on my above advert for a slave girl… do me a favor and make sure that she’s not betrothed, okay? According to Leviticus 19:20, sleeping with a betrothed slave girl is death for you and a nice scourging for her. Dying and having my slave girl scourged would make me sad. 

Not that this is a big problem anymore, but Leviticus 20:2 says that you get put do death if your children worship Molech.

For those of us who have committed adultery – death for both according to Leviticus 20:10. Also, according to 20:11 and 20:12, sleeping with your father’s wife or your daughter-in-law. Notice that it does NOT say “your mother” because, according to Jewish law, men could have as many wives as they could support equally. You sleep with any of them, you both die.

Leviticus 20:27 says that you die for having a familiar or being a wizard. Good-bye Harry Potter.

Now, Leviticus 24:6 says that you get death for blaspheming against the Lord. Have you ever heard a really bad pun and responded with a smile and an “Oh, God…” That’s it. Death for you. DEATH FOR EVERYONE! Not only must you die, but the congregation is who must kill you. Jesus, that’s harsh. Oh, God, I just blasphemed. Lord, I just did it again… ah, Christ I give up.

I think that the weirdest thing of all is that Leviticus 24:17 says that if you kill someone, you get death.

…

So who’s killing all of these homosexuals and blasphemers and animal fornicators and adulterers? And if you kill any of them, you get death? Then the person that kills YOU gets death, and the person that kills them… man, talk about a vicious cycle…

Deuteronomy is simultaneously and little more lenient and a little more strict. Only two calls for death there.

Deut 13:5 says that you get death for being a prophet or a “dreamer of dreams”. Man alive, I’m a dreamer of dreams pretty much every night when I go to sleep. At least we’ll be able to get rid of Miss Cleo, though.

Now, here’s the strict part… what would you do if your son or daughter came home with a shaved head and professed that they were now Hari Krishna? Ground them? Take away their Ipod? Get them “deprogrammed”? Nope. According to Deut 13:9, you gotta kill ‘em. Also, your step-brother, wife or friend. And not only must they die, but you have to start the killing and the community has to finish it. You prepared to do that?

So now… LET THE BACK-PEDALLING BEGIN! “Er, um, no, you see… when I said that the Bible had to be taken literally, I didn’t mean EVERY WORD… I meant… er… um… and besides, Jesus gave us a NEW covenant so that we don’t have to follow those old laws, right? And in Romans, they speak of homosexuality again… er… don’t they?” (I swear to God – more or less the actual words that I hear from these Christians when I say these things.)

Okay, tell you what. I’m going to take a break. It’s taken me two nights to get to this point, I’m tired and I want to play my Wii. So you guys take the night off, dig your Bible out and dust it off. Tomorrow night, we’ll look at what Romans 1:26, 27 and 29 to 32 and Corinthians 6:9 and 10 (the actual verses) say and what they might mean tomorrow night. Okay?

God bless.

Peace.

Randal