A Note to My Gay Brothers and Lesbian Sisters...

First off, a note on syntax. When I use the word “we” here, I am simply including myself in the class of “heterosexual Americans” – we is just shorter. I do not mean to imply that I have any agreement at all with the views that I am expressing – simply that they are the views expressed by heterosexual Americans. Are we clear? Tough love. Ready?

MY GAY BROTHERS AND LESBIAN SISTERS, HEAR ME.

We are not going to grant you the right to marry, at least not without a fight and not for a long time, okay? You are a threat to our marriages! The fifty percent that WE are not a threat to, that is. I mean, it’s never been proven that homosexuals are a threat to ANY marriage that does not have a closeted homosexual partner, and one of the five states with the LOWEST divorce rates in the country, Massachusetts, has legalized gay marriage. Forget all that. You’re a threat, okay? DEAL WITH IT! Besides, you’re not even fighting all that hard, you pansies.

Also, you have to remember that God has picked you out for special punishment above all other sinners, a statement that can be easily (dis)proven with even a casual examination of the Bible. And we have to speak for God because he’s obviously incapable of speaking for himself. Except to George W. Bush.

And besides, you really don’t think that we should grant you the same “special” rights that WE have do you? I mean, really. If I have them, that’s because I’m a tax-paying, heterosexual American. If you get them, they’ll be “special” rights. One might even say “fabulous” rights.

So, here’s what I propose…

1) FIGHT! That’s right – get out there and fight for your rights. I’m not talking about protesting in the streets here. I’m talking about going to court. Fight this religious prejudice in the one place in the country where religion is not allowed to affect the outcome! The courts!

2) And speaking of the courts… would any gay lawyers out there please go to bat to get the individual states’ Constitutional amendments banning gay marriage overturned on the basis of the 14th amendment? It reads, in part, “No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.” Yes, it was written to prevent slave states from overturning the Emancipation Proclamation in their states, but it applies here. Your privilege of being lawfully married is being abridged. Therefore, the state amendments are unconstitutional on a federal level. You’ve got your marching orders, now go.

3) CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE. Stop paying your taxes. FIGHT IN COURT for your right not to pay taxes to a system that is AS A MATTER OF POLICY, proudly discriminating against you. We don’t want to treat you as citizens, by God, don’t act like citizens. Act up.

4) Circumvent the stupid laws. Gay male couples: find a couple of lesbians that you simply adore, a couple that you think are fabulous, and marry them. Then you can all four live together. Splitting the bills. Splitting the housework? Be sure to make an agreement on kids BEFORE you get into this. It could be convenient for that, but if one couple wants and the other doesn’t, that would be sad. And think of that lucky kid, growing up in a house with TWO mommies and TWO daddies. The neoconservative, religious-nutheads insist that one of each is terrific for a kid – how much better would TWO of each be?

There you go, my gay brothers and lesbian sisters. This crap has gone on long enough and is serving the nutjobs as a distraction from the real issues. Get out there and fight, will ya? I can’t fight for you. As a matter of fact, although I have been thanked by two of my gay brothers for fighting on your behalf, I have also been told by several of them that my attentions are not welcome since I am not “one of you”. My argument is that I am one of you (male, American, sexual, living day-to-day, middle class) in many more ways than I am NOT one of you (sexual orientation, blandness of dress and vocabulary). K? K.

Peace.

Randal