RIP Michael Jackson Jokes

STURGEON GENITAL'S WARNING: THE PURPOSE OF THIS BLOG ENTRY IS TO OFFEND. I AM SETTING OUT HERE TO OFFEND EVERYONE AT LEAST ONCE, SOMETIMES SEVERAL TIMES. SO IF YOUR DELICATE SENSIBILITIES CAN'T TAKE BEING OFFENDED, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY CLOSE THIS BROWSER WINDOW... NOW. THANK YOU.

I have several topics that I want to cover today, and they all involve the title, so bear with me if you want.

I have a day job. Because I have not yet been able to convince anyone to pay me for my writing, and none of my friends or relatives love me enough to shelter and feed my lazy ass while I try to make a living off of either of the TWO things that I do well, I have a day job. By the way... if anyone reading this is an agent or publisher who can help me make a living as a writer, PLEASE contact me. I am ten times the writer that Dan Brown is, only with the integrity to prevent me from shamelessly stealing someone else's work and making a gagjillion dollars off of it like he did.

I don't know for how much longer I can stand to have a day job. A friend once commented that I need to develop a higher tolerance for stupidity. It's not working. As a matter of fact, my tolerance for stupidity seems to be getting lower and lower. I made a joke at my day job today, and was hauled in to the office to be reminded that any statement that can offend ANYONE (which means ANY joke) is grounds for termination in the modern bullshit corporate mentality. I'll tell you what it was in a sec. Again, close the browser if you're an inbred pea-brained idiot who looks for reasons to take offense at shit, okay? At that point in history, I almost just walked out, fed up with the whole thing. I'm almost there. I'm almost ready to let the finance company take my car, sell all my shit and move into a cardboard box. My personality is incompatible with corporate life, and it's only getting worse the longer that I try to do it. I only play well with others WHO ARE WILLING TO PLAY.

So here's what I said... for those who don't yet know, Michael Jackson, who has spent the last thirty years turning himself into a parody of a human being, died today. On CNN today, they showed side-by-side pictures of MJ from his days in the Jackson 5 and how he looked recently. Here's the offensive comment. This joke, by the way, is so old as to be almost venerable. I want to say that Jay Leno started it about fifteen years ago. I said that at some point Michael Jackson went from being a cute black kid to being a weird looking old white lady. Someone told on me. Damned good thing that they didn't hear my earlier comment that pedophiles the world over would now have to stop touching kids for a day of mourning at the death of one of their patron saints. (I know who told on me, by the way, and I think that it has more to do with the fact that this person doesn't like me than anything.)

I do not understand people. Human beings. They puzzle me almost to insanity. I am reassured that I am, in fact, a human being myself, but if that were the case it seems like I would have more in common with them. The things that entertain them would entertain me. The things that offend them would offend me. I would desire the things that they desire, but none of this is the case.

Of course, I can understand this offense... if there's one thing that we need a hell of a lot LESS of... especially at difficult times... it's humor.

So now, I am intentionally going to set out to offend everyone. If you belong to a group that I somehow manage to miss, I apologize. I don't mean to offend you be leaving you out of the offensive jokes, it was an accident.

And for the record, I myself am a half German, half American Indian middle aged heterosexual white guy. So I'm going to start with a white guy joke... and trust me... those are HARD to find.

What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench? The NBA.

An Indian guy walks up to his friend and says “Running Bear, how do we get our names?” And his friend says “We're named after the first thing that our mother sees when we're born... why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?”

Do you know why Germans build such high-quality products? So that they don't have to go around being nice while they fix them.

(Don't know if this qualifies as a heterosexual joke or not, but it's the only one that I could find.) How many heterosexual male hairdressers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Both of them.

How do you stop black kids from jumping on the bed? Put velcro on the ceiling.

How do Chinese couples name their kids? They roll a metal garbage can downstairs and name the kid the first three sounds that it makes.

Three gay guys are sitting in a hot tub. One notices some cum floating on the surface and says “Okay... who farted?”

Jewish guy is having sex with his wife. He says “I'm sorry, did I hurt you?” She says “No, why do ask?” He says “You moved.”

Why do women prove that there's no such thing as intelligent design? Because no intelligent designer would put the snack bar that close to outhouse.

Why do men prove that there's no such thing as intelligent design? Because only an idiot would give something both a brain and a dick and only blood enough to operate one at a time.

What do you call a Japanese failure? A survivor of Pearl Harbor.

What do you call a priest with no little boys in his congregation? Celibate.

Okay, that's all that I can think of at the moment, and my spleen is well vented. Anyone who wants to add any, please feel free, with the only stipulation being that they MUST BE FUNNY, and not just to you.

And also – to any of my loved ones out there in the corporate world – please, if a co-worker says something that offends you, do everyone a favor – go to them and say “That's not cool, man.” Don't go run and tell like a little kid who gets pushed over at the playground, okay?

Peace.

Randal