Some Thoughts on Marriage

I recently advised a young friend of mine who commented that she wasn't sure if she should get married not to. Her response was that, just because I had a bad experience, I shouldn't assume that everyone will. Which... as happens with MOST things... got me thinking.

It is true that I had a bad experience with marriage. I had a really excellent three year marriage. The problem is that it was spread out over a twelve-year period. A day here, a day there, it adds up. It is also true that 95% of the marriages that I know that are more than ten years old are no longer truly love relationships. They are now more like two buddies cohabiting. Or, in some cases, two rivals staying together only for the thrill of outliving each other.

But neither of these are the reasons that I proffered this advice. I just think that marriage is something that needs to be entered into with as clear of a head and as much reasonable thought as is possible. If you marry for passion, within a year you'll be struggling to remember why you got married in the first place.

Once upon a time, marriage was a necessity. Children could not be legitimized without marriage, you couldn't even have SEX without getting married first. Even after premarital sex became somewhat acceptable in the sixties and seventies, marriage was necessary to insure that both partners enjoyed each others work benefits, etc. That was really the reason that my ex and I married. We had planned on just living happily together forever, but the only way that I could cover she and my step-daughter on my health insurance was to get married. Now, with domestic partner insurance almost universally available, even THAT is no longer a requirement. So the question remains... why get married?

The first is the idea that you have some kind of religious thing that prevents you from having sex without marrying. This is not the case even among some pretty serious religious people these days, but it does still remain in some cases. Fine.

Barring that, why else? Because you love that person? That's fine, too. But I think that most of us know that love and passion don't typically last. There's an old saw about how, if you put a penny in a jar for every time that you have sex in the first year, and then take a penny out every time after that you'll never empty the jar. I know ONE couple for whom this is not true, but they're both hotties. I have a hard time figuring out how these two people ever manage to get out of bed. And I can honestly say that every woman that I've ever loved... including my ex-wife... I STILL love. But in each case that love has transmuted. So again I ask... why marry?

Do you expect marriage to change nothing between you? Then why marry? As my old dad says, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. If it works, don't monkey with it.

Do you expect marriage to change things between you? Presumably for the better? What if it doesn't? What if all of the things that drive you crazy about the other person that you expect marriage to fix STILL drive you crazy after five years of marriage? If you feel like things need to be changed (read as: fixed) in your relationship, shouldn't you fix these things BEFORE you get married? Another old saw has it that a man marries expecting the woman to remain the same and a woman marries expecting the man to change. My experience is that it's more accurate to say that a woman marries a man thinking that she can change (read as: fix) him.

I realize that it's not “romantic” to think logically of marriage before you do it. Personally, I think that if half the planning and thought went into the marriage as does the wedding that most people wouldn't get married. I mean, most people give more thought to a five-year contract to buy a car then they do to a LIFETIME contract of marriage.

Trust me, folks. I'm a romantic. But part of that is that, if I'm going to be in a relationship with someone, I want the passion and romance that I feel for that person on the first day to remain for the extent of the relationship. That's why I'm a proponent of contract marriages. Draw up a contract that you'll remain together for a year, or three years, or five years. No more than ten at a time. Include in that contract disposition of possessions and children at the end of the contract. If things are still going good at the end of the contract, renew it for another group of years. What is modern marriage, after all, but a contract? The difference is that it's a LIFETIME contract with only one out: divorce. And personally, I think that if contract marriages were put into place, you'd see our national divorce rate drop to zero.

Just a thought.

Peace.

Randal