Republican Crybabies

Honestly, I don't know what bug got up my butt that prompted me to write this right now.

I will say this... I rarely sleep deeply enough to have any kind of coherent dreams that I can actually remember, but last night I did. I dreamed that I was at some kind of function featuring George W. Bush. For some dream-reason, this event was being held at a huge ice rink. When the function broke up for lunch, I suddenly found myself alone in the lounge area with Mr. Bush. So I did what I've wanted to do since the 2000 election... I demanded some answers from him. I won't relate his answers here, because they weren't “his”, they came from my own subconscious.

When I woke up, an hour before my alarm went off, this piece was in my mind. All of it. And I tend not to question my muse when she wants me to write something down, I tend to just do it. So here it is.

I'm tired of listening to republicans whine. TIRED of it. So I'm going to list four of, in my opinion, the whiniest and address their crybabyness.

SARAH PALIN

The queen of the crybabies. I get so tired of the fact that her followers take everything that she says as gospel, using the media as her platform, while all the while whining that she can't get a fair break from the media.

First off, Sarah, are you really God-rottedly STUPID enough that you didn't realize that as soon as you stepped onto that stage at the republican national convention you would become a celebrity? Or have you somehow missed the fact that our media treats celebrities (at best) like freak-shows or (at worst) like dog shit? That it treats celebrities as a commodity to get ratings, and makes them look however they it needs to in order to feed its own never-sated wallet?

Also, I hate to break it to you, but compared to how the media treated Hillary Clinton when she was first lady or Condoleeza Rice, you're getting a freaking pass. These two women, who are each worth five of you got ROASTED by the media. And they both handled it much better than you are. When Ms. Clinton saw that whining wasn't going to help, she just quit it and started letting all the media crap roll off her back. And Ms. Rice did the really sane thing – she got the hell out of the public spotlight. You could do the same, you know, and then “the media” would leave you alone.

Oh, and one other thing? The deep-water oil drilling ISN'T the result of environmentalists refusing to let oil companies drill in ANWR. If we opened ANWR, they would have been drilling there AND on the ocean floor. But I'll make you a deal. You get the oil companies to agree to closing all of their deep-water wells if I can get the government to agree to let them drill in ANWR, and we'll make it happen. Frankly, I don't think that it'll even be that hard to get that deal, because even though we environmentalists would miss the natural beauty of ANWR, we'd ultimately get the better part of that deal.

JOHN MCCAIN

John, I used to have huge admiration for you. Back when the 2008 primary season first started, I used a site called Unity America to make a bumper sticker that said “Obama/McCain 2008: my dream ticket”. But over the course of that election, and the years following, I lost all admiration and respect for you.

This loss of respect reached a nadir when, after the health care bill passed, you got on national TV and said “We're not gonna play with youse guys no mores!” You know what, you big crybaby? YOU WEREN'T PLAYING BEFORE! You and your republican cronies have been doing everything that you can to obstruct EVERYTHING!

John, please... instead of spending the rest of your life demanding respect for the hero that you WERE in Viet Nam, how about you get your head out of Rush Limbaugh's fat ass and be a hero NOW?

FOX NEWS

I listened to you crybabies demand that we respect the president for eight years. Of course, now that a president that you DON'T like is in office, all bets are off, right? You vilified the fringe left for comparing Bush to Hitler, but now you're perfectly okay with the fringe right comparing Obama to Hitler or Marx. That makes you not only crybabies, but hypocrites.

And Bill O'Reilly – as far as your nasty, barely-veiled threats against Al Franken go, I think that you're just jealous that he as an entertainer, got elected to the senate while you, as an “entertainer” couldn't get elected to the sewage commission.

THE TEA-PARTIERS

First off, learn your damned history. The tea parties were about taxation without representation. If you take a good hard look at your tax returns for the last ten years, you'll discover that most of you paid less in taxes last year than you have in a long, long time. You don't like paying taxes? Fine. I don't either. But if we're going to have things like a military, they're a necessary evil.

You guys claim to be non-partisan, but where the hell were you during the Bush years, when all of these fires that Obama has failed to put out were lit. As a matter of fact, I'd be willing to bet that most of you were right there calling those of us who were trying to prevent them from being lit to begin with “traitors”.

The hard part is that we need to sacrifice here to get our country back on track. I saw John Boehner, king of the republican crybabies on TV about a week ago, and, God help me, I agreed with what he said. He proposed raising social security taxes ON ME and cutting MY future social security benefits to try to help our country out, and I thought that they sounded like great ideas.

So how about it, you republican crybabies? Are you ready to shut the hell up and quit trying to move our country right and start moving it forward instead?

Seriously.

Rev. Randal